till you start looking back

i will warn you this is going to be a serious post.  it's been a serious couple of days and i am in much need of an outlet for my thoughts.  hence coming to my blog.  the one place that i can just spew out my thoughts and the best part is it doesn't talk back or roll its eyes.

i am trying to find a word to describe whatever it is that has crawled into my body and conquered.  it's not sad, it's definitely not happy.  it's almost empty.  it's as if this cosmic void has slammed into me at warped speed and swallowed me whole.  

on thursday we placed my dad in an assisted living facility.  

he fought.  

he cried.  

he screamed.  

he simply didn't want to be there.  

it breaks my heart to know that he has some sort of cognitive response to being left behind in a new environment where he is at least 20 years younger than all the other patients. i went to visit him for an hour on monday and found him on the floor.  he had fallen out of his recliner and tipped it over.  he looked so confused and helpless.  not knowing how he got on the floor or why his chair was sitting on its side.  we got him upright and moved the chair back.  he showed me around the facility a little bit then it was time for lunch.  getting him to sit was difficult.  when he was finished getting him out of the chair was difficult.  i helped him to the bathroom then it was back to the recliner to watch an old bones episode while he fell asleep.  i slipped out and drove away.  i don't know how this has become my normal so quickly.  i just can't wrap my brain around what he has left to do on this earth.  why is the lord keeping him here?  what do we still need to learn from this experience that we already haven't learned in the last 5 years of dealing with his disease?  maybe we will never know what exactly is keeping him here and we just enjoy the time we have left with him.  

i talked to my ex today.  he called me from jail to tell me that he might have to stay there for a week or two to wrap up a few charges after his 10 months in prison.  i knew it was him calling me and i still answered.  i wanted to hear what he had to say.  he apologized for the way he treated me while we were together and during our 6 month break up.  he told me he thought about me everyday.  he thanked me for never putting 'return to sender' on his letters.  he asked me about life.  threw in subtle inquiries of my dating status.  asked if he could make me dinner sometime when he was settled in his new place.  then he began to explain that he wasn't trying to get back together with me.  that's not what he wants.  he just hopes that someday i can forgive him and that we could be friends.  i don't know if i can believe his apology.  i mean for the first time in the 1 year and 9 months that i have known him he is actually sober and clean of drugs.  if he doesn't want me back, then he has no motivation in lying to me.  so can i really trust what he is saying?  it's just a lot to take in.  for some reason i thought that him getting out now and not october like i originally thought, i would have a game plan ready to ensure i stay away from him, but all it meant was that i ignored it.  i just don't want to have to deal with him ever really.