my sister sent me this photo today...
5/6 of the asay children and their dad. i immediately died over my mullet! my mom to this day swears that is how my hair grew in. whatever. then we swooned over how adorable matt looks and how much zoe looks like kate and then how adorable that i was of course. i then spent all day showing all my friends at work how freaking cute i was! you see, being the 4th of 6 kids there aren't a whole lot of pictures of me so i forget how cute i was.
i look at all these people and think about how different their lives are from this impromptu picture on our old rocking chair. char married for 13 years now, soon to be 6 kids and more like my mom. kate with a successful career as a nurse, 2 beautiful little girls and a soon to be pharmacist husband. matt taking on the role of caretaker for our dad and working. jake constantly working on being 'ripped' and having a killer body, lost in a sea of disbelief and dating a pretty girl. then there's me...well you know me. working in a field that i adore, trying to stay sane amidst the craziness of my life and well...still really cute. ha ha. but when i look at my dad i am overcome with sadness. he looks so happy and honestly carefree in this picture. this is how i want to remember my dad. not the way he is now. not the man that thinks deodorant goes on his face. not the man that can't follow a two step instruction. not the man that can't remember his ex wife. not the man that thinks his kids are named only matt and jake. not the man who stares at himself in the mirror. not the man that my dad has become.
i want to remember the walks to the park on sunday to have swinging contests, watching him starch his button up shirts into practically cardboard, hearing him yell at the BYU football game on tv, playing croquet on my 16th birthday and sitting next to him in sacrament meeting as a kid tracing his hands with my fingers. that is the dad that i know and love. not this man who has lost his mind. i still love him. i always will.