there's this urge...

every once in a great while i get this weird urge to blog. 

i love to write and sometimes that urge to blog comes out whenever i watch some obscure indie film that netflix tells me that i might be interested in. somehow the new wave inspired, wannabe 90's music that all these films inevitably have, makes me narrate whatever is happening in my life, to myself, and i think that it's worth blogging about. is that weird? although i think i'm to the point in my life where i don't really have the energy to care whether or not my life, or train of thought is normal.

when i was 24 or 25 maybe, i somehow found this stash of confidence that was tucked deep in the corner of myself.  i remember thinking that it was a discovery that i really could have used a decade earlier, but i was going to take it and run with it. and run with it i did. some would have even said that i was a little conceited and full of myself. to those individuals i would say you are correct. i did get a little hot shotty. but the good news is, like all good things, this too would come to an end. 

not a total end, just a backseat. like instead of looking at myself in the mirror everyday and thinking that i was the most beautiful of my friends slash family, i look at myself and think ...

well this is what almost 30 looks like.

poor aly, is what you must be thinking. but don't worry, it's not that bad.  i will still be the first to tell you that i am amazing at a lot of things. 

i would say that 5-6 years of self centered-ness and conceit is a good run. the only time it got a little annoying to myself was whenever a relationship, no matter how long, would end.  not having the luxury of self doubt during those times was not a pleasant existence. rather than thinking ...

what's wrong with me?

i was plagued with thoughts of ...

what's wrong with him?  

again you must be thinking 'poor aly', but really it was okay. i think i shocked my sister when her and i were having a 'heart to heart' which really should be called 'char telling aly what to do'. she stated that she wished that i could see myself as everyone else around me sees me.  everyone loves and wants me to be happy. i told her that i already know how awesome i am ... my problem was that i was meeting losers who didn't know how amazing i really was. not what she was expecting.

i've heard many times in my life 'fake it, till you make it!'  unfortunately the old adage really shouldn't translate into every aspect of life. in my field of work ... cosmetology ... that should never be your take. a bad haircut is a bad haircut no matter how hard you work at faking that it is a good haircut to your guest. i also think faking it till you make it, doesn't apply to dating happiness. actually i don't feel like dating and happiness really go hand in hand. the act of going on dates with different people often never brings happiness. an endless stream of first dates, with far and few between second dates can really wear on a person and i don't think ever brings much happiness. at least not from my experiences. 

i think the true happiness that you shouldn't have to fake is the kind you can find in an actual relationship. while relationships are hard and you won't always be happy, you voice your frustrations and work it out. you compromise. you share. you experience. and if you have to fake your happiness or interest ... you might be in the wrong relationship. but what do i know? 

i am currently in the midst of my personal record for dating ... meaning that we have been together for a whopping 29.5 weeks. that's 199 days. or 7 months and 25 days. however you would like to look at it. michael is great. i knew we were meant to be within the first few hours of us meeting. i'm usually the first to make fun of people when they say that sort of thing. but then it happened to me and i understood what all those people were talking about. talk about humble pie. now i know why i had to endure all those horrible dates and ridiculous relationships. i had to be broken down a little to be found by michael. who repaired those dings to my self confidence worn down by one crappy ex in prison and a 2.0 that used me cause i let him. both really great stories for a later time. 

so, here's to no more faking it!