i don't know what that means.

can i just start with saying that it has been a really crappy/crazy/draining/emotional/frustrating/distracting month? i feel like i haven't been able to catch a break in any area in my life and i am starting to get to that point where you ask the cosmos 'why me?' which is something that i never do! i have been raised to believe that all things happen for a reason. that there were events or things that were supposed to happen in order for us to learn certain things to grow and progress into the person that we want to be. but ever since january 17th i have constantly been reminded that people still have agency and can screw with your life in ways that you could have never imagined. i've kept it together pretty well. you can ask anyone. i've been relatively calm about the events of others screwing with my life considering my usual approach to chaos...freaking out at anyone that walked by. i've been pretty rational. but tonight. right now. this is my breaking point. i'm over people and their lying and cunning ways. i'm over people hurting me because they can. i'm over stressing out so much that my perfect skin is dotted like a 15 year old girl. i'm over not being able to sleep. i'm over not focusing on anything but my problems, which only causes more problems. i just want things to go back to normal.

before all this i had a little crazy in me...we all do. don't lie. now i am close to a raging lunatic! i'm putting my phone on silent so that i can purposely not hear someone's text or phone call, but really just so i don't have to be a slave to the ringtone that might not come. yet i still flip my phone over every 5 minutes to see if there is a flashing light telling me they responded. i wake up at odd hours of the night and watch netflix only exhausting myself more for the next day. i fake it until i make it which is so not in my dna. i want to scream every 5 seconds either because people are annoying or because it would drown out the constant whirring of things in my head. i'm smelling a pillow because his head was the last to touch it and it still smells of his nasty hair pomade, and despite the fact that he hasn't called me all night i will still probably let him come over tomorrow because i'm a pushover now all of a sudden. food has lost it's appeal, leaving diet coke to take it's place.

now don't worry i am totally fine and this is not a sylvia plath post. i'm not going crazy for reals. i just needed to vent a bit. i will say this though...

'there ought, i thought, to be a ritual for being born twice--patched, retreaded and approved for the road.' -sylvia plath, the bell jar

i just need something good to come from all of this mess. and if it could come quickly...i think that would be greatly appreciated. i want to believe that there is good still out in this world. i want to be aly again.