nirvana

just as a disclaimer i started this post like 2 months ago...just had to still share with ya'll. 

i decided to kick off the last year of my 20's with a half marathon! now mind you this took a lot of planning. i began about 6 months ago running a little here and there. then with 16 weeks before the race i got serious and found a training program and naturally i made a really cute training schedule to hang on my fridge. 

         

so naturally the hard part was over right? just kidding.

seriously though i was pretty strict with myself this time around and only missed a day or two of running. that is until 2 weeks before the race i got strep throat and was sick for a whole week and couldn't run at all. 

i missed my last really long run of 12 miles and could only etch out 4. i was really disappointed and discouraged. i had trained so hard for 14 weeks and to feel so week and not getting the miles i wanted, made me really nervous about the race.

the morning of the race my roommate and i were up at 3:30 and out the door by 4:10.

we got to the buses and immediately found my sisters to ride up together. it was freezing up the canyon and as anticipated the lines for the port a potty's were ridiculous and cutthroat. once we were settled we had just a few minutes until race time. so naturally we took some selfies.

the race started and only after 2 minutes we crossed the starting line. i was feeling pretty good. my hands were freezing but Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners was pumping and how can that not put you in a good mood? as runners passed me i still felt good. i had my music, my new fit belt and my pace was on point. the first mile was a breeze. same as for mile 2. i stopped to use the port a potty and i was off again. about a quarter mile after mile 2 the unthinkable happened. i fell. i placed my left foot down knowing that the small little ripple in the asphalt was going to be trouble. and sure enough, i put my foot down, my ankle rolled and i went down. all the way down. i rolled over and was facing all the oncoming runners. luckily a sweet older lady stopped to help me up and help me walk over the side. tears were welling up in my eyes and all i could think was 'i've trained so hard, this can't be happening. i have to finish. i can't stop.' this sweet lady asked if she needed to walk with me to the next aid station at mile 3. i told her i was okay and off she ran to let them know i was coming. i walked for about a quarter mile before i decided to try and run on it. i started slow and eventually got a good pace going with only a little pain. i made it to the aid station and felt okay enough to go on. 

at mile 5 i realized the i had also scraped my knee and was concerned about my new running pants of all things. i lifted up my pant leg to find my knee bleeding a little and my skin stuck to my pants. so of course after realizing i had hurt my knee too, i could feel it every step i ran. i made it to the next aid station at mile 5 and asked for pain meds or anything and was literally sorely disappointed. the nice lady told me that i could either wait with her for the 'sag wagon' thus forfeiting the race or i could run 2 more miles to the mouth of the canyon where they had an ambulance and possibly some ibuprofen. i opted to take my chances and keep running.

the rest of the canyon was pretty decent. turns out running downhill is super easy at times. i had some of my best mile times despite my injuries. i made it out the canyon and was met with powerade and finally some ibuprofen!  i crossed the street and headed for the golf course. never had i been so happy to run the golf course! i am so glad that char, natatlie, denise and i had run that portion of the race a few times during our training. it was almost a breeze and went by so quickly that i barely remember much of it. 

when i stopped to stretch around mile 9 (which was impossible to do without hurting my ankle) i  realized that my gps was playing mind games with me and telling me i was half a mile further than i really was! i continued on. getting to the hill around mile 10 wasn't a surprise this time and i was ready for it. half way up my ankle started yelling obsenities at me and i wanted to stop so badly until a spectator really did keep me going with her kind words and i made it up!  

right before mile 11 i ran past a women who looked to be struggling with each step. she didn't have earphones in, so as i ran past i told her that she was doing awesome. when i stopped to walk a little ways ahead she caught up to me. we walked together and i learned that she was a mom of 11, had spent the night before in the hospital with her daughter who had just had a baby, and that she had lost her husband to cancer 4 years earlier. i almost began to cry as she told me that she knew he was with her pushing her forward. such an inspiration to me that i no longer felt bad for me and my swollen ankle. 

as i continued on with her for another mile i got a second wind and kicked it into gear for the last 1.1 miles. said goodbye to my new friend and turned the corner. but alas at 12.5 miles i hit a major wall. i just wanted to be done and even that last 0.6 miles felt like a whole 6 miles. it was the bearded man who had joined his granddaughter that got me through. coaching me to just walk to the next street corner and then run to the finish line. when he began to run again he turned to me and while waving me toward him he chanted 'come on, come on' until i began to run again and turn the corner to the final stretch. 

i bounded the corner to see my sister katie cheering me on and crouched to take pictures of me as i turned into the finish line alley. i clung to every bit of energy and strength i had and increased my pace into a sprint. i heard my sister char cheering and running beside me behind the barricade. i finally saw the time and was stoked to see that i was in fact 8 minutes faster than my first half marathon and began to smile. i did it! i finished on a swollen ankle and beat my time! as they placed the finishers medal around my neck i reached down to take off my shoe and sock to finally see the damage to my ankle. my sisters doted on me and got me some yummy kneader's french toast and my mom handed me a bag of ice that i had requested at mile 6 when i text to tell her about my fall. as we sat on the grass eating and talking i was so ecstatic that i finished! i wasn't even thinking about my sore ankle and aching knee. i was just so proud of myself to finishing.

we did it! i am so happy that i got to do this with my sisters and my roommate. it was so nice to have support and people to check up on me with my training. 

i really wanted to wear my medal everywhere i went just so i could show off how cool i really am.

this is how i spent the majority of the day after my race. icing and elevating my ankle and watching movies while eating the remainder of the junk food from my birthday party, which included peanut m&m's and red vines. perfect! i only left my house with my friend morgan to go the strawberry days to get a corn dog, diet coke and strawberries & cream. all of which were the only things that i wanted to really eat that day. 

heal

it pains me to continue, but it hurts worse to stop.

i found this quote today and it just felt right. sometimes the very thing that brings us pain is the very thing that we need in our life to keep the real hurt away. the hurt that is often accompanied by sobbing and rocking back and forth in the fetal position. keeping that feeling of loneliness that we can all let sink into our bones at times, at bay. no one is exempt from that feeling. at one point or another everyone will feel that in their lives. that's how god created this life to work. we can't know the feeling of complete joy unless we know the feeling of despair and pain. it's a delicate balance this life. sometimes people have a better way of coping with these hard times and they only let their pain show to a few people if they show it to anyone at all. but there's others that let everyone know they are suffering for whatever reason and show the world that they are vulnerable. being vulnerable is a beautiful thing. being able to let others into your world and let them see that you are not perfect and that life has it's hold on you at times. letting people see what makes you hurt and what makes you afraid. letting people in. no walls dividing you and the world. it's a beautiful thing when we can let that wall crumble down. 

we can't control everything and sometimes letting that control go is the hardest part of pain and hurt. 

accepting the we are weak and that it's okay to not always be strong. 

strength comes in many different forms than what we generally think. there is strength in accepting the end of a relationship. there is strength in being a shoulder for someone to cry on when you yourself need a shoulder to cry on. there is strength in forgetting your hurt or pain and serving those around you. there is a strength in pushing your body to continue when at it's breaking point. there is strength in standing up for something you believe in, even if that means isolation and loneliness. we all have strength inside us. it's our catalysts of that strength that differ. the why of our strength is what makes us who we are. what we are willing to fight for? what we are willing to accept even when it seems excruciatingly impossible?

if we all had a little more sensitivity to the battles that everyone else is fighting, the world would be a little easier. but this life wasn't meant to be easy, so we adapt. whether it is a positive adaptation or a negative adaptation is up to each of us. 

till you start looking back

i will warn you this is going to be a serious post.  it's been a serious couple of days and i am in much need of an outlet for my thoughts.  hence coming to my blog.  the one place that i can just spew out my thoughts and the best part is it doesn't talk back or roll its eyes.

i am trying to find a word to describe whatever it is that has crawled into my body and conquered.  it's not sad, it's definitely not happy.  it's almost empty.  it's as if this cosmic void has slammed into me at warped speed and swallowed me whole.  

on thursday we placed my dad in an assisted living facility.  

he fought.  

he cried.  

he screamed.  

he simply didn't want to be there.  

it breaks my heart to know that he has some sort of cognitive response to being left behind in a new environment where he is at least 20 years younger than all the other patients. i went to visit him for an hour on monday and found him on the floor.  he had fallen out of his recliner and tipped it over.  he looked so confused and helpless.  not knowing how he got on the floor or why his chair was sitting on its side.  we got him upright and moved the chair back.  he showed me around the facility a little bit then it was time for lunch.  getting him to sit was difficult.  when he was finished getting him out of the chair was difficult.  i helped him to the bathroom then it was back to the recliner to watch an old bones episode while he fell asleep.  i slipped out and drove away.  i don't know how this has become my normal so quickly.  i just can't wrap my brain around what he has left to do on this earth.  why is the lord keeping him here?  what do we still need to learn from this experience that we already haven't learned in the last 5 years of dealing with his disease?  maybe we will never know what exactly is keeping him here and we just enjoy the time we have left with him.  

i talked to my ex today.  he called me from jail to tell me that he might have to stay there for a week or two to wrap up a few charges after his 10 months in prison.  i knew it was him calling me and i still answered.  i wanted to hear what he had to say.  he apologized for the way he treated me while we were together and during our 6 month break up.  he told me he thought about me everyday.  he thanked me for never putting 'return to sender' on his letters.  he asked me about life.  threw in subtle inquiries of my dating status.  asked if he could make me dinner sometime when he was settled in his new place.  then he began to explain that he wasn't trying to get back together with me.  that's not what he wants.  he just hopes that someday i can forgive him and that we could be friends.  i don't know if i can believe his apology.  i mean for the first time in the 1 year and 9 months that i have known him he is actually sober and clean of drugs.  if he doesn't want me back, then he has no motivation in lying to me.  so can i really trust what he is saying?  it's just a lot to take in.  for some reason i thought that him getting out now and not october like i originally thought, i would have a game plan ready to ensure i stay away from him, but all it meant was that i ignored it.  i just don't want to have to deal with him ever really.