h to the o p e

'Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.'

that is exactly what i am banking on right now.  today one thing ended.  the thing that i have been waiting to end for the last 20 months.  the only problem is it lead to something else beginning and i'm not a huge fan of it.  so all i have thought today is this quote from hope floats.  i guess i just need to let hope happen.  i'm a huge fan of being in control and i learned today that no matter how fair, or how right you think something is, you really have no control over things in your life.  it isn't up to us how things will ultimately work out.  all you can do is take that blind step of faith and hope that it works out.  a thing that i'm discovering i'm not a fan of.  

today the emotional dam broke and i allowed myself one meltdown.  the reality that my dad is sick and how much i care about him hit me and i couldn't sit back and let some person who i have deemed not a good person take away power and control.  but ultimately i had to let go.  i had to come to the conclusion that i have no control and i had to trust that others around me were making the right choice.  it's funny how being in a room with your old bishop who is also your brother's lawyer, can remind you that these feelings that i have toward this person are only hurting me in the end.  

what the middle of this whole process has shown me is that my family is full of really amazing people.  i would do anything to make sure that they are happy and feel loved by me.  in the end, what else do you have if you don't have the people who have known you the longest and most intimately by your side?