hopes and dreams

my sister sent me this photo today...

me.char.dad.matt.jake.kate

5/6 of the asay children and their dad. i immediately died over my mullet! my mom to this day swears that is how my hair grew in. whatever. then we swooned over how adorable matt looks and how much zoe looks like kate and then how adorable that i was of course. i then spent all day showing all my friends at work how freaking cute i was! you see, being the 4th of 6 kids there aren't a whole lot of pictures of me so i forget how cute i was.

i look at all these people and think about how different their lives are from this impromptu picture on our old rocking chair. char married for 13 years now, soon to be 6 kids and more like my mom. kate with a successful career as a nurse, 2 beautiful little girls and a soon to be pharmacist husband. matt taking on the role of caretaker for our dad and working. jake constantly working on being 'ripped' and having a killer body, lost in a sea of disbelief and dating a pretty girl. then there's me...well you know me. working in a field that i adore, trying to stay sane amidst the craziness of my life and well...still really cute. ha ha. but when i look at my dad i am overcome with sadness. he looks so happy and honestly carefree in this picture. this is how i want to remember my dad. not the way he is now. not the man that thinks deodorant goes on his face. not the man that can't follow a two step instruction. not the man that can't remember his ex wife. not the man that thinks his kids are named only matt and jake. not the man who stares at himself in the mirror. not the man that my dad has become.

i want to remember the walks to the park on sunday to have swinging contests, watching him starch his button up shirts into practically cardboard, hearing him yell at the BYU football game on tv, playing croquet on my 16th birthday and sitting next to him in sacrament meeting as a kid tracing his hands with my fingers. that is the dad that i know and love. not this man who has lost his mind. i still love him. i always will.

prospekt's march

hooray for a really fantastic roommate who brought me home a blaine salad and a bread twist from pizza factory! it took me back to my shade days with kc and val!

i don't know what that means.

can i just start with saying that it has been a really crappy/crazy/draining/emotional/frustrating/distracting month? i feel like i haven't been able to catch a break in any area in my life and i am starting to get to that point where you ask the cosmos 'why me?' which is something that i never do! i have been raised to believe that all things happen for a reason. that there were events or things that were supposed to happen in order for us to learn certain things to grow and progress into the person that we want to be. but ever since january 17th i have constantly been reminded that people still have agency and can screw with your life in ways that you could have never imagined. i've kept it together pretty well. you can ask anyone. i've been relatively calm about the events of others screwing with my life considering my usual approach to chaos...freaking out at anyone that walked by. i've been pretty rational. but tonight. right now. this is my breaking point. i'm over people and their lying and cunning ways. i'm over people hurting me because they can. i'm over stressing out so much that my perfect skin is dotted like a 15 year old girl. i'm over not being able to sleep. i'm over not focusing on anything but my problems, which only causes more problems. i just want things to go back to normal.

before all this i had a little crazy in me...we all do. don't lie. now i am close to a raging lunatic! i'm putting my phone on silent so that i can purposely not hear someone's text or phone call, but really just so i don't have to be a slave to the ringtone that might not come. yet i still flip my phone over every 5 minutes to see if there is a flashing light telling me they responded. i wake up at odd hours of the night and watch netflix only exhausting myself more for the next day. i fake it until i make it which is so not in my dna. i want to scream every 5 seconds either because people are annoying or because it would drown out the constant whirring of things in my head. i'm smelling a pillow because his head was the last to touch it and it still smells of his nasty hair pomade, and despite the fact that he hasn't called me all night i will still probably let him come over tomorrow because i'm a pushover now all of a sudden. food has lost it's appeal, leaving diet coke to take it's place.

now don't worry i am totally fine and this is not a sylvia plath post. i'm not going crazy for reals. i just needed to vent a bit. i will say this though...

'there ought, i thought, to be a ritual for being born twice--patched, retreaded and approved for the road.' -sylvia plath, the bell jar

i just need something good to come from all of this mess. and if it could come quickly...i think that would be greatly appreciated. i want to believe that there is good still out in this world. i want to be aly again.

lalalalalalalalalala

today i was named team captain for a competition at work. we are cupid's arrows and we will dominate the competition and sell the most spa packages to those in love this valentine's season. it may come as a shock to y'all that i am the team captain, but i'm kind of bossy. and i did come up with the idea for the scoring for the whole competition and the team name, so i'm kind of a big deal i guess. and yes i know how lame i am sounding right now, maybe it's the runners high.

yep i said runner's high. after like a 2 year absence i have returned to the wonderful world of running. i just really wanted to do something good for me this year and return to a healthier state. is what i would say if that were true. i only started today on the first of february so that i can have almost 5 months to prepare for my first half marathon.

holy freaking crap i signed up for a freaking half marathon today!

okay stop applauding everyone. you are starting to embarrass me! it's no big deal. 13.1 miles is totes normal for anyone to run. just cross your fingers and pray really hard that i don't die.

and one more thing to add to this now really long and lame post. today i had a client tell me that i look like one julianne hough...then i started to wonder whether she was blind or not. you tell me...

ignore the fact that i was sort of trying to mimic her lame expression! i still maintain that my client is obvs blind!