into the past

i have about 80 million things to be doing right now and my obvious answer is to blog instead.  my mind is on like warp speed and i am thinking about every little thing that has made me stop and think in the last year.  and let me tell you there were a lot of those little moments.  the source of this confusion and reflection was a letter that i received today. that's right...a letter.  i haven't really received a letter in like a million years since i was writing a missionary when i was finishing beauty school.  but i got a letter.  i opened it, read the first few lines and carefully folded it back up and put it back in the envelope.  i couldn't bring myself to pretend not to care about what was there.  and i didn't have the energy to pretend to care about what was there.  

in the last few months i feel like i have become pretty good at telling whether or not people are lying to me.  one of the things that i hate very most in this world is being lied to.  i hate when people try to make lying to you better by saying they were just protecting you.  i say bull!  if you really wanted to protect me, you wouldn't do the thing that you felt you had to then protect me from.  starting last may i was lied to practically on a daily basis by someone that i was foolish enough to trust and care deeply for.  reading this letter reminded me of those lies and the betrayal that i subjected myself to.  then i thought about the lies that i have told since last may.  every lie that i told was because of this person.  i found myself alienating everyone around me into thinking that i was exactly who they wanted or thought i was.  and now i am left to accept that i was telling these lies, to 'protect' the people in my life.  i became that person that i don't like.  i did the very things that i hate.  all because one person.  well and i made the ultimate decision to lie, but you get what i mean.  

as much as i want to believe that mike will change his life and we will have a future together, i have to remind myself that he is a really good liar.  and every time he says he will change and start his life anew i know it's a lofty idea and he has no real intent to change.  it all becomes jumbled into one big lie and i'm the only one being duped.  this letter brought this all back to my life as much as i wanted to forget it.  you see mike is in prison for 9-12 months.  i've really debated posting about this, but quite frankly i just don't care anymore.  his poor decisions don't reflect who i am as a person and just reminds me that he is so not the man i thought/want him to be.  if i've leaned anything from being lied to it's this...the lies will never stop.  so i have to walk away.  again.  for like the millionth time.  man being a girl is so lame sometimes.  

so here i sit typing and not prepping for the baby shower that i'm throwing on saturday.  reflecting on some of the best and worst times of my life because of one stupid envelope and 4 pages front and back. my biggest fear for when mike gets out is that i haven't moved on with my life enough.  i know he will track me down.  i know he will try to see me.  i know that i will have to face him at some point.  in an ideal world mike won't even be a word in my vocabulary.  here's hoping that works out!

pusher love girl

i know.  

its been like ages since i last blogged.  i'm not even really sure if anyone still uses this medium of self expression anymore, but even if that's true i don't care.  my blog was never for anyone but me.  mostly because i think that i'm funny and i do like to write.  so if you're reading this i love you for patiently anticipating my next move!

so...just a few things have happened since i last wrote.  i really really really really like my job.  according to my mom it's like a real salon.  which is very true.  it's modern, clean, well lit and a lot of really cool and talented people are there everyday to turn out beautiful hair.  it's refreshing to feel like others are on my level of ability, or even better.  the commute is okay.  i honestly think that if i moved char would cease to exist.  i mean i'm in some serious demand around their house, which i love because that means that i have definitely solidified my 'favorite aunt' status with those munchkins.  anyway back to the point.  i breezed through my assisting phase and onto the new artist program.  it's been really fun to do my own clients.  let me just tell you...i'm not in utah county anymore!  salt lake is a very diverse community.  i love it.  and for once in my life i am the minority.  i'm one of a handful of latter-day saints working at landis, and it's great.  my whole life i have been what felt like the majority as far as my religion went.  it was easy to do what was right because everyone else that i associated with believed the same things and i was never tested or tempted to do anything different.  now i am one of a few and we are treated no differently than anyone else.  it has really made me solidify my belief that at the end of the day, no matter what you believe (or don't believe) as long as you treat others with respect and are a good person, it doesn't matter.  do your own thing and love one another.  i love what i do and i am so happy that this is where my life has taken me.  it didn't happen exactly as i would have preferred it, but i'm grateful for all that experiences that have come from this change.

now for your viewing pleasure...

maximus

jack jack

my dear jenn and her new babe

sweet sisters ready for school

this lil one turned 12!

bday cupcakes for g

gave kate a shot

using a straw for fun.dip.  amazing.

being attacked by striped twins

my valentines feast with nat nat

executed 6 dozen cupcakes for my sister

soaking up some sun at city creek

treehouse museum with this gal

yeehaw!

she found my mannequin head and named her monica

brave lil kiddos

jack turns 1

max turns 1

fancy mom

oh my laws.  for some reason blogger hates me and i won't even tell you how long that just took me to post all those.  so ya'll better appreciate them.  especially since i think i have a migraine.  either that or my brain is trying to escape my skull by swelling and pushing as hard as it can until i close my eyes and lay down.  so my obvious solution is to blog and listen to justin timberlake.

it's sort of a funny thing

i sat down to write the other night and got distracted because somehow all my playlists on itunes were gone.  they had vanished and i panicked.  as if my musical creations were the most important things in my life.  i eventually figured it out.  thank goodness.  i mean some of those playlists are like 3 years in the making.  i'm not really that pathetic, but i just really love my music.  i even used to impersonate a hipster.  like when maroon 5 became huge, i was like oh yeah i bought their album like a year ago.  i mean like who really cares that i was listening to songs about jane before everyone else?  did that mean that i was infinitely better than them?  no.  that's the answer you were looking for.  

so today, or i mean yesterday, was my last saturday of unemployment.  on monday i will begin my new job and i can't lie.  i . am . nervous !  it feels a little like the first day of school.  thoughts like...will i make any friends, will i get lost, will i like the teacher/manager...flood my mind and i am absolutely certain that i will be a hot mess sunday night trying to sleep and pretend like i'm not nervous.  the good news is that the first day of a new job is like the first day of school in the sense that it's a lot of paperwork and touring.  you get a feel for the management and the staff much like you get a feel of your homeroom teacher.  you go over the expectations of you as an employee much like your expectations as a student. you size up the other employees like you do your classmates.  don't lie you know you do that too.  you see who the class clown is, the suck-up, the floater, the stoner and the boozer.  you see what cliques are in place and try to understand their importance to the well being of the society that is the workplace.  and sometimes, just sometimes you still feel like you are the smallest being in the solar system for about 2 months and eat lunch in the bathroom or your car.  i really am hoping and praying that it's not the latter.  

in the movie charlie bartlett a boy named charlie becomes well liked and dare i say popular among his peers by selling them prescription drugs that he gets from his family's on call psychiatrist.  in a conversation with his mom he tells her that for once he is the guy that people want to know/meet.  her reply is 'maybe there's more to high school than being well-liked.'  he asks what and she pauses and says 'nothing comes to mind'.  i think this also applies to working.  i learned in my last job that being the favorite meant the difference between having a job and well, not having a job.  i was well liked by almost everyone, just not the people that mattered apparently.  shortly after losing my job i was telling my sister the dirty details and she was sorry for my loss, but reassured me that no matter where i went there would be a favorite, that's just how life is.  very sympathetic that katie.  

well wish me luck. 

so that's what 1 degree feels like

it is bitter cold outside and my laptop that was on the ground under my window is even feeling the cold.  boo winter.  i get that utah really needs the moisture, but like can't it get some moisture at like 32 degrees instead?  

i didn't make resolutions this new year's day due mostly to the fact that i made resolutions in october cause i really procrastinated last year, and much to every one's surprise i broke every one of those october resolutions.  super pathetic especially since one of them was to keep my room tidy and even with 2 months of free time i am still looking at approximately 1/3 of the contents of my closet in neat piles on my floor waiting to either be hung up or folded, and about 10 pairs of shoes.  resolution fail.  so i don't really feel like making resolutions is the confidence or morale boost that i am looking for right now.  

recently i heard someone talk about the s.m.a.r.t way of making goals.  you know s.pecific m.easurable a.ttainable r.elevant and t.ime-bound.  i had a manager once who would make us do the same thing with our daily work.  i could never really grasp the concept of smart goals when it came to talking less to my two co-workers, so that may be why they put up cubicles.  (sorry kc and val)  oh well good try russell.  i'll so kindly break it down for you all in the land of the world wide web.  (that way you won't have to google it later)  and technically do i have to reference wikipedia?  based off my limited knowledge of wikipedia from tv shows, can't anyone post info on there?  anyway moving on.  wikipedia tells us that first you have to be specific about what you want.  duh.  but really it's the what, who, where, why and which of a goal.  next (measurable) is finding how much or how many, and how will i know when i have achieved said goal.  on to attainable.  this portion is mostly whether or not the goal is an actual possibility that you can achieve.  and the how of achieving the goal.  which leads us on to relevance.  are you the right person for this or is this the right time for you to do this.  is this even something that will matter and benefit your life.  and finally time.  when you wish to have achieved your goal.  what steps will i take 6 months from now, 6 weeks from now and today.  

i would give you an example, but i just tried and it was too hard.  maybe that is why i failed so horribly with goals pre-cubicle.  but i think you get the point right?  if i had to pick like the most important letter in the smart way it would be attainable.  because how easy is it to say that i will stop drinking soda this year unless you figure out how you are actually going to do that.  for me it would be cutting back from 64 oz in a day to maybe like 32 oz a day for a few months and then cutting back from there so that by 2014 i will be soda free.  hey look at that i kind of gave you an example!  you're welcome.  

so get out there and make some s.m.a.r.t goals for twenty thirteen.  

by the way i am kind of really looking forward to 2020.  only because i will make it a point to say 'and this...is 2020' like barbara walters and hugh downs used to do.  also i'll be 35 in 2020 and i like to think that i will make it to 70, so in 2020 i can plan on a legit mid life crisis while still being really young and ridiculously good looking.  it's a win win win. 

hola 2013

luckily i have good news to relay.  2013 is already better than 2012!  i got a job! yep i sure did.  after 2.5 months of living the ever so exciting unemployed life, i was offered a position at landis.  a super nice and newish salon in salt lake.  no i have no plans to move to salt lake county, so commuting will be my choice. my mom pointed out that if i just take the frontrunner i will have at least an hour to knit to and from work everyday.  my mom is really the brains of any operation in my life let's face it.  i finished my first ever knitted blanket and i had to call her to make sure that i was in fact done and didn't need to add an extra 4 inches like my pattern called for.  crisis averted with one phone call, thanks mom.

the finished product

             

jess and morgan utilizing the beastly blanket

okay so christmas was great.  i got 2 blankets, 4 books, 2 pair of eyelashes, mineral veil, a purse, a fur muff and 6 bottles of diet coke with a very classy vase to drink it out of.  most hilarious gift i have ever received i think.  well next to the rubick's cube my roommate got me for christmas.  and yes i know that you all really were dying to know what i got!  grandma jackson came into town which resulted in her baking us delicious sugar cookies and getting flour all over herself.  now the mystery of where i got the ability to get completely dirty while baking/cooking/eating is solved.  it must date back to my Irish o'day side. 

okay seriously isn't peggy patricia the most adorable thing you have ever seen?

      

because pink frosting is an obvious for christmas.

it was really cute cause my grandma told us how she first made these cookies for my mom and her brother and sister when they were kids for valentines day and obviously made pink frosting.  well after that she always made them with pink frosting.  one day she was out of red food coloring so she left the frosting white and no one ate a single one.  i guess the pink frosting really makes the difference.  i really love having my grandma around to hear her tell stories like this.  i made her a promise that if i didn't get a job soon i would come to stay with her in iowa as a way to restart my life.  looking back (a week and a half ago) i think why on earth would going to iowa somehow help my situation?  who did i think i was?  a character in my lifetime drama that will someday be made?  which i have decided that i would want someone like emma watson to play me.  she is a doll and i think she would be a very good aly.  and she is younger than me and that somehow makes me feel a little better.  anyway running to iowa was a nice thought regardless.  i also discovered that my grandma had a sister named ruby.  is that not an adorable little name?  i told her i was going to name my daughter ruby mae someday.  and that i would also have a daughter named lily jo.  ruby mae and lily jo...my mom told me that i belong in the backwoods of arkansas.  whatever that means toni lynn.  

okay so the whole point in blogging is to talk about the closing of 2012 roughly 3 hours ago.  at first when i started complaining about how crappy 2012 was, i really had no idea how crappy it was about to become.  but what i have realized this past week as i have been reflecting is that i have a pretty awesome support system and no crazy lady, no crazy ex boyfriend and no crazy ex-co-workers/ex-boss could take that away from me.  i have people who love me and who would do anything for me!  i think that is the most important thing that a girl my age could ask for.  i think that i have also learned that i can get by with very little in my life.  i am very blessed to have a house to sleep in (and house my shoes), i have a car that works, i have food to eat (well don't look in my fridge) and i have the knowledge of the gospel.  (i bet you didn't think this would get churchy huh?)  i am so blessed to be where i am and i wouldn't trade places with anyone in the world. 

i am 100% positive that 2013 will FINALLY be the year of aly!  

funny how thing work out eh?

the other night i was talking with my roommate and a good good friend we will call A.  the topic of conversation rested upon mister mister somehow and A asked if i considered mister mister to be the person i will never get over. i laughed my head off inside as i told A that no, mister mister was not the person i would never get over.  because in all the irony that this world has to offer, A is in fact the person that i will never get over.  and now it is A that hasn't talked to me since saturday night.  it is A that i have constantly been thinking about even though 11 years of this back and forth has only taught me that no communication is my answer.  and so for about the millionth time, it is that moment to walk away on my end as well.  it's pretty easy since i am walking away from essentially nothing.  it's funny how i can know a person so well, yet have no idea why they do the things they do.  

so..

i made a promise to blog over the weekend so that i can keep people informed on the happenings of my life.  so here i am!  love you karin...if you are reading this.

so now is a good enough time to tell ya'll that i may or may not have gotten fired from my job and that is why i 'left'.  and when i say may or may not it is a definite statement of firing.  but it's totally fine because i was in the right and i stood up for myself and was able to keep my integrity intact, unlike the few others that were involved.  it's funny how things work out.  getting fired forced me to realize that my former place of employment wasn't the most positive place to be and that i am better off without them.  the management was less than desirable, which lead to people playing favorites to protect the lack of work ethic and general morals in the workplace.  so i think that in the end i am better off and can still look at myself and see me...not some conniving and lowly backstabber.  :)

so i am still unemployed and learning a lot about myself.

- i can still read 3 books at one time...to kill a mockingbird, my antonia and how green was my valley.

- i don't have to spend money to have fun.

- the notebook is pretty cheesy, but ryan gosling is oh so yummy.

- knitting makes you cooler.

- de-junking your room is therapeutic.

- working out is still the last thing i want to do, even though i have PLENTY of time to do so.

- i can't sleep in past 9:30 even if i wanted to.

and some news from the boy front...mister mister is finally gone.  thank freaking goodness!  he was starting to feel like a virus that just kept holding on no matter how many antibiotics i was drowning him out with.  seriously our break up lasted longer than our freaking relationship.  no joke.  after all of that i have been a little weary of boys.  seriously i think that maybe it's not such a bad thing to start 2013 with no boys in sight and work on aly.  it's not like i'm super messed up, i just need a little time to myself to figure out what i want 2013 to look like.  i've decided that i get to choose what happens next year.  2012 i let life happen to me and next year i will tell life what to do.  good plan right.  i'm almost absolutely certain that is so not how life works, but i'm willing to make an honest effort here.  anyway i've had a few awkward encounters with a few guys.  nothing super exciting other than maybe making out with a 40 year old.  admittedly that was not my proudest moment in life, but guess what?  it's still 2012 and i need a little more fuel to the lifetime movie hopeful fire.  

moving on i just cried like a baby when i got a sliver in my finger and my roommate had to get it out for me.  never a dull moment here on spencer road.  i'm going to say this for probably like the millionth time on this blog, but next year i promise to be a more consistent blogger.  i mean i really enjoy our time her on the blogosphere and let's face it, i'm pretty funny and you all enjoy my ramblings!  :)

love.