into the past

i have about 80 million things to be doing right now and my obvious answer is to blog instead.  my mind is on like warp speed and i am thinking about every little thing that has made me stop and think in the last year.  and let me tell you there were a lot of those little moments.  the source of this confusion and reflection was a letter that i received today. that's right...a letter.  i haven't really received a letter in like a million years since i was writing a missionary when i was finishing beauty school.  but i got a letter.  i opened it, read the first few lines and carefully folded it back up and put it back in the envelope.  i couldn't bring myself to pretend not to care about what was there.  and i didn't have the energy to pretend to care about what was there.  

in the last few months i feel like i have become pretty good at telling whether or not people are lying to me.  one of the things that i hate very most in this world is being lied to.  i hate when people try to make lying to you better by saying they were just protecting you.  i say bull!  if you really wanted to protect me, you wouldn't do the thing that you felt you had to then protect me from.  starting last may i was lied to practically on a daily basis by someone that i was foolish enough to trust and care deeply for.  reading this letter reminded me of those lies and the betrayal that i subjected myself to.  then i thought about the lies that i have told since last may.  every lie that i told was because of this person.  i found myself alienating everyone around me into thinking that i was exactly who they wanted or thought i was.  and now i am left to accept that i was telling these lies, to 'protect' the people in my life.  i became that person that i don't like.  i did the very things that i hate.  all because one person.  well and i made the ultimate decision to lie, but you get what i mean.  

as much as i want to believe that mike will change his life and we will have a future together, i have to remind myself that he is a really good liar.  and every time he says he will change and start his life anew i know it's a lofty idea and he has no real intent to change.  it all becomes jumbled into one big lie and i'm the only one being duped.  this letter brought this all back to my life as much as i wanted to forget it.  you see mike is in prison for 9-12 months.  i've really debated posting about this, but quite frankly i just don't care anymore.  his poor decisions don't reflect who i am as a person and just reminds me that he is so not the man i thought/want him to be.  if i've leaned anything from being lied to it's this...the lies will never stop.  so i have to walk away.  again.  for like the millionth time.  man being a girl is so lame sometimes.  

so here i sit typing and not prepping for the baby shower that i'm throwing on saturday.  reflecting on some of the best and worst times of my life because of one stupid envelope and 4 pages front and back. my biggest fear for when mike gets out is that i haven't moved on with my life enough.  i know he will track me down.  i know he will try to see me.  i know that i will have to face him at some point.  in an ideal world mike won't even be a word in my vocabulary.  here's hoping that works out!